90-year-old George went for his annual physical.
All of his tests came back with normal results.

Dr. Darns said, “George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?”

George replied, “God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I’m done.”

“Wow,” commented Dr. Darnes, “that’s incredible!”

A little later in the day Dr. Darnes called George’s wife.

“Thelma,” he said, “George is just fine. Physically he’s great. But I had to call because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?”

Thelma exclaimed, “That old fool! He’s been peeing in the refrigerator again!”

A 5-year old girl went to visit her grandmother one day.
She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture.

At one point, she looked up and asked: “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend?”

Grandma replied: “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I’m so happy with my TV as my boyfriend.”

Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the back of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little girl heard the doorbell ring so she hurried to open the front door. When she opened the door, there stood Grandma’s minister.

The minister said: “Hello young lady. Is your grandma home?”

The little girl replied: “Yeah, she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.”

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa’s lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face.
She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles.

Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.

Finally the little girl asks, “Grandpa, did God make you?”

“He sure did honey, a long time ago,” replies her grandpa.

“Well, did God make me?” asks the little girl.

“Yes, He did, and that wasn’t too long ago,” answers her grandpa.

“Boy,” says the little girl, “He’s sure doing a lot better job these days isn’t He?”

A man is trying to understand the nature of God, time, and the Universe. He asks God,
“How long is a billion years to you?”

God says, “A billion years is like a second to me.”

The man asks, “Well, how much is a billion dollars to you?”

God says, “A billion dollars is like a penny to me.”

So the man says, “God, can I have a penny?”

And God replies, “In a sec.”