On a calm Sunday evening, Bert and Edna, an elderly couple, are seated on the porch swing.<\/p>\n
They have been wed for fifty-five years. They are both drinking lukewarm tea while they watch squirrels in the yard battle for a Cheeto as the sun sets and the birds sing.<\/p>\n
Edna sighs suddenly and says, \u201cBert, let\u2019s discuss our bucket lists.\u201d<\/p>\n
Bert\u2019s eyebrows go up. \u201cLists of buckets? I\u2019m 87, Edna. \u201cWake up tomorrow and remember where I put my pants\u201d is the last item on my list.<\/p>\n
Edna laughs. \u201cNo, I\u2019m not kidding. Each of us should do something we\u2019ve always wanted to do but haven\u2019t had the opportunity to do before we leave.<\/p>\n
Bert pauses to reflect. \u201cAll right, all right. Skydiving has always been a dream of mine.<\/p>\n
Edna\u2019s eyes enlarge. \u201cSkydiving? Bert, you fainted for three minutes the last time you knelt down to tie your shoe.<\/p>\n
Bert gives a shrug. \u201cWell, just let me land in the neighbor\u2019s garden if I do fall in midair. My goal has always been to haunt him.<\/p>\n
Edna nods and they laugh. \u201cAll right, all right. You take a skydive. I\u2019ll complete mine as well.<\/p>\n
Bert narrows his eyes. \u201cAnd what do you have?\u201d<\/p>\n
Edna\u2019s eye suddenly sparkles mischievously, just like it did when she \u201caccidentally\u201d dropped Bert\u2019s bowling trophy out the car window during a fight in 1965.<\/p>\n
\u201cBert, I\u2019ve always wanted to tell you something.\u201d<\/p>\n
Bert swallows. \u201cWhat do you confess?<\/p>\n
\u201cYou know how your favorite recliner always mysteriously leaned to the left for 20 years?\u201d Edna whispers as she leans in closer.<\/p>\n
Bert gives a nod. Yes, I did blame the dog. It hobbled for weeks, poor thing.<\/p>\n
Edna grins. \u201cWell, I did it. After you spilled grape soda on my brand-new curtains in 1989, I jammed a spatula in the bottom.<\/p>\n
Bert lets out a gasp. \u201cYou are a monster!\u201d<\/p>\n
Edna chuckles. \u201cAnd recall how, regardless of the button you pressed, the remote kept switching to the Hallmark channel?\u201d<\/p>\n
Bert blinked. \u201cYou mentioned that it was haunted!\u201d<\/p>\n
Edna smiles. \u201cNo. To short-circuit the battery, I adhered a penny inside the compartment. For five years in a row, you never missed a Christmas romance film.<\/p>\n
Bert\u2019s jaw falls open. \u201cWhat made you do that?\u201d<\/p>\n
Calmly, Edna sips her tea. \u201cBecause slow-motion snowball fights and mistletoe are the best ways to get back at someone, sweetie.\u201d<\/p>\n
Bert pauses for a while before leaning back in the swing and saying, \u201cEdna, you know what? I also have a confession.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh?\u201d she asks.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you recall my Saturday \u201cfishing trips\u201d that lasted for ten years?\u201d<\/p>\n
Edna gives him a look. \u201cYou don\u2019t go fishing.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI am aware,\u201d says Bert with pride. \u201cI was at the alley for bowling.\u201d I took home four awards. They are concealed in the basement behind the water heater.<\/p>\n
Edna looks at him incredulously. \u201cYou mean I unintentionally threw a fake trophy out the window of the car?\u201d<\/p>\n
They both started laughing.<\/p>\n
Edna purchased a new recliner, Bert went skydiving, and they now go bowling together every Saturday, primarily to watch out for one another.<\/p>\n
After nearly 60 years of marriage, an 85-year-old couple tragically died in a car accident and reached the Pearly Gates.
\nThey had been in excellent shape for the past ten years because of the wife\u2019s obsession with exercise and nutritious diets.<\/p>\n
After giving them a cordial welcome, St. Peter showed them their heavenly home, which included a gourmet kitchen, a Jacuzzi, a large bedroom, and even a pool table.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhoa! \u201cWhat is the price of this?\u201d the husband inquired.<\/p>\n
\u201cNothing,\u201d said St. Peter. \u201cEverything is free\u2014this is heaven!\u201d<\/p>\n
Then he took them to a championship golf course a short drive from their house, where they could play whenever they wanted, have an angel as their caddy, and take in a course that changed every day to resemble the best greens in the world.<\/p>\n
\u201cWonderful!\u201d exclaimed the wife. \u201cWhat about the green fees?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFree,\u201d laughed St. Peter. \u201cHeaven is here.\u201d<\/p>\n
They then went on a tour of a five-star restaurant that served an unlimited buffet that included prime rib, lobster, Wagyu beef, exotic vegetables, and dream-like desserts.<\/p>\n
Still doubtful, the husband said, \u201cAll right, but how much?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFor the final time, sir\u2026 It\u2019s free. Heaven is here!<\/p>\n
The husband paused. \u201cSo, are there any low-fat, low-cholesterol options available?\u201d<\/p>\n
St. Peter chuckled. \u201cYou won\u2019t get sick or put on weight in heaven. Consume anything you like!<\/p>\n
The husband\u2019s face flushed, his fists clenched, and he began yelling at the sky.<\/p>\n
Confused, his wife questioned, \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong?<\/p>\n
He shouted, \u201cTHIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!\u201d and pointed at her. We could still be here today if it weren\u2019t for your paleo chicken and bran muffins!<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"